As a Christian woman, I am supposed to be smart, aware, and above having relationships with men.
But, a few years ago, I stumbled upon something that has completely transformed my life and relationships with men.
I was living the life of her “Madonna and child” lifestyle (no husband, no children, no money, no prospects, no money, no prospects).
The life of neglect. The life of longing. The life of needing to have a man in my life.

I thought I needed a man in my life

All I wanted was for one of the “superiors” (brother, father, brother in law, nephew, or uncle) in my life to take me seriously.
And, then, to love me enough to make me feel important. They didn’t. As a result, I became bitter, resentful, aloof, and bitter.
My friendships started to melt away. As I became bitter, my relationships with men began to melt away.
As I became resentful, aloof, and bitter in my relationship with men, my relationship with God began to dissolve.

What do I do with my life?

In all honesty, I really didn’t know what to do with my life. I was completely and totally aware of my situation.
But, I couldn’t do anything about it. I was so frustrated and angry with God for destroying
my relationship with men and my relationship with God. I was blindsided by both situations.
I didn’t know how to fix the situation.

What am I becoming?

I’d been told repeatedly about the plague of Babylon, and I had seen the pictures of the sick, dying, dead bodies.
I thought it was all just a bad dream. But, the fact is that this was a very real life situation.
But, I was also angry at God for leaving me and making me in to a woman who is so selfish,
so self-centered, so self-centeredly critical, so self-righteous, so resentful, and so hateful.
And, I was angry at men for leaving me and making me in to a woman who is so resentful,
so self-centered, so self-centeredly critical, so self-righteous, so resentful, and so hateful.

Nowhere to turn

So, I had nowhere to turn. And, I was totally and totally lost.
Now, to me, to the few that I did know, this seemed like the perfect storm.
But, what really made this perfect storm perfect was that I was not ready to listen to anyone.
I was not ready to listen to my husband, who at the time was being treated for cancer and he was doing
so poorly that he was in hospice and I was not allowed to visit him in the hospital because
he didn’t want me to be around him while he was in pain. He was also not ready to listen to my friend
who was concerned about her sick husband, because she had gone through chemo.

Till I got the wake up call

And, then, to my surprise, I got the call that my father had died.
After the sudden death of my father, I was totally and totally lost. The grief of this loss was so severe that, to this day,
I am not fully recovered. I can’t really remember how I was able to function after this loss.
And, the only thing I can say for sure is that I’ve never been the same again. I was, and I am a different person.
And, it is because of this loss. And, it is because of this loss that I have been able to fully grasp my femininity.

Coming to terms with life

I, had I been willing to fully embrace this loss, had I been willing to fully embrace my femininity,
I would have taken on a completely different role. I would have been one who was more helpful, more loving,
more caring, more patient, more understanding, and more caring. And, I know I would have taken on the role of
the caring voice of reason, the loving voice of reason, the voice of understanding,
the calming voice of reason, the calming voice of love. I would have spoken words of reason,
spoken words of love, and spoken words of understanding.

And, all the while, my husband would have been there
with his hands on my shoulders, and my children would have been in their rooms,
and my dog would have quietly slept in the corner. And, while I would have been doing this,
I would have been aware that I was doing this, not because it was what
I was supposed to be doing, but because it was what I was supposed to be doing.
I would have known that I was doing this because it was the right thing to be doing,
not because I was doing it, not because I was supposed to be doing it.

Today is all I got – And I have everything

I would have been present, I would have been conscious, I would have been aware.
And, I would have noticed. I would have known that things were happening, but not because I was supposed to.

Today, I know I have more than enough energy to take on these new roles that I would have taken on.
Today, I have my husband’s hand firmly on my shoulders, and my children sleeping quietly in their rooms.
Today, I have my dog sleeping in the corner, but not because he needs to rest.
Today, I am here because I am supposed to be. And, I know it. And, I notice it.

And so, today, I will be here

And I will do this, not because it is what I am supposed to do, not because I want to,
not because it’s what I’ve always done, but because it is what I am supposed to do.
I will be here because it is my role, my responsibility, my destiny.

Wandji Nguemako
Follow Me
Latest posts by Wandji Nguemako (see all)

Views: 157

By Latest, Relationship, SpiritualityLeave a Comment on You Are Supposed to Be Here – The Story Of Us

Leave a Reply